Yesterday was a really bad day. First, I woke up in a bad mood because Giant Rob snored so loudly I couldn't sleep - I dont think human beings are supposed to make those kinds of noises.
Tuesdays and Thursdays is the lifeskills and education part of the program on the ranch and most of the guys in the kitchen have to attend, so I was in the kitchen alone with only Mike - who I mentioned earlier hates being in the kitchen and doesn't hesitate to mention it.
As I said earlier, Giant Rob is also in the kitchen, but he stepped on his glasses and had to leave the ranch to get more. Add to that, there is a mission group that came to the ranch to spend a few nights on the campground and so there were an additional 25 people I had to feed along with 70 or so hungry ranchers. Then there is the cleaning. As a kid, dishes were a punishment, and as an adult it still is.
I went to break around 2pm, and tried to speak to a dear friend (Alex) on the phone to catch up - to get a little bit of normalcy in the day - to be reminded that there is a life outside the ranch. He had plans and we could only speak for about 5 minutes. As I was leaving, I received a call from my mom who informed me that, while they are on vacation, my beloved dog will be in the care of neighbors - and of course this worried me sick.
The heavy rains we have been having are great for all sorts of plant life on a farm - including weeds, so as I was riding back to the kitchen on my bike, I ran across a patch of thorns that had sprung out and got a flat tire. So I had to walk in the mud, carrying my bike.
I got back to the kitchen, the hamburgers hadn't thawed for dinner and now Mike had a counselor meeting - so I was ALONE to feed 125 people!
After work, I headed to the gym, to relieve some stress - and every weight was being used - everyone decided to all work out at the exact same time that I was.
Frustrated to say the least, I figured I need some alone time, some 'active rest.' I needed a drink! This would have been the perfect time for me to get some nice friendly alcohol and have a nice relaxing evening. But, instead, I found a small garden outside the kitchen where we will eventually plant sunflowers and I decided to weed it. This would burn calories, and since no one on the ranch is eager to join someone who is weeding, it would provide some good alone time as well.
I got to thinking about the fact that I kinda wanted to retreat to the safety of a nice stiff drink to relax. Because of my bad day. But then my thoughts took me to think in a suprising other direction -
I mean, I didnt get a good nights sleep, but I woke from a warm bed; I had to work alone, but I managed to satisfy and feed 125 people and they all thanked me; I only spoke to my friend for 5 minutes, but it was 5 minutes hearing a friendly voice; my mom called with news about the dog, but I got to speak to her and I knew my family would take care of my pet; the gym was full, but it took me to this garden where I could be alone. I decided that the bad day was only a few bad moments. That in the past, the moments were called bad days - which resulted in drinking, then they became bad DAYS, then I was having a bad week, then a bad month - and you see where this is going.
The beauty of journaling is that you can go back and read what the 'bad days' were like - the things that sent me to the liquor store were just bad moments - and really, excuses. I looked back and those bad momnents were unimortant to me these days, and a year from now, these bad moments will be equally as unimportant, and so why drink.
And as I weeded, I also thought about the need to 'weed the bad from your life, blah blah.' The ranch speaks to me, it tells me lessons in the activities of living here. I just need to listen to them. I couldn't believe that the ranch was going to give me a lesson so ridiculously obvious... purging the weeds fromy our life and mind before they overgrow your brain like the kuzdu off 285 in Atlanta.... this was too easy.
Maybe there was no lesson here. Sometimes, maybe there isn't a lesson. I would finish weeding because they had to be done before we could plant the sunflowers, then go home and relax.
And there it was. The weeds had to be pulled. The universe chose me - the only person on earth, in the history of earth, to pull THOSE weeds for THAT garden. I had a purpose.
And all the small things I do in life are important and have a purpose. I am important, no matter how small the things I do seem. We are needed, whether by the people who love us, or the garden that needs to be planted. I always have a purpose.
And my life is often spent chasing the BIG PURPOSE I lose sight of the small, equally important ones. I am here to serve many purposes.
And so there it is - the small bad moments are only moments, not a bad life, and the small useless purposes are all still purposes, and a good reason to be here. I guess it goes to show, I am needed.