Dear R/ [Drover]:
My friend! Where have you been? It seems like so long since I last got a chance to speak to you. The cozy nights I would keep you company seem like ages ago and its becoming a little bit scary what’s becoming of our relationship.
I mean, although I have been flirting with you since high school, we didn’t become really close until about 10 years ago. But I’ve been there for you for years and I’m feeling like that means nothing to you. When you went through that bad break-up, it was me that came to your rescue – we spent an awesome summer together – sure your parents got kinda mad, but it was worth it! Together we made a LOT of friends, we owned that town. And, eventually when everyone stopped speaking to you, it was only me that hung around. Remember? You believed that I loved you.
I know that your job was totally getting in the way of all of our fun so when I suggested that you just stopped going, it worked out well. Somehow, we made it through the lean times – with no money, no food, nothing at all – but I stuck by you because you proved to me that you would give up everything to have me, to keep me. You had that job on TV, people watched you - you were going places, you had a real future. Now, how could I let you have a different passion, a different love? You picked me. You loved me.
Then you moved away to another city. I know it was in part to try to end things between the two of us. You must have thought that a change of geography would change our relationship, you were so cute and silly the way you thought you could end it. I know that was really scary, but eventually, you called, and I came to join you. That was a blast! All those nights we spent in night clubs, they were a blast. I am glad you eventually came to your senses and stopped going out all together, though. That gave us more time to hang out, to have alone time…. And, another great job - a real future in an East Coast ad agency - well - who the hell needed all that when we had each other? I know you loved me.
And when you moved back to Colorado, it was one crazy time. Your family welcomed you back, but they hated me by that point. They all said I changed you. Families always say stuff like that. They were so damn jealous that I took you from them. Little do they know, you were mine for years before.
Then there was the relationship. It was a pleasant little relationship and in the beginning, I was perfectly happy with the fact that you had someone else in your life, someone to love you. But it started to really hurt things between the two of us and I made you chose. I was so happy that you chose me. Hell, I was so happy that I almost took you away completely and forever one night to keep you all to myself. Maybe I was sick of sharing, maybe we were having WAY too much fun. But that meddlesome person had to come along and mess it all up that night. But, eventually, I would win and you two would go your separate ways – you would keep only me.
I tried really hard that time, but I didn’t get you all to myself. I think that was when things started to go south for us. I mean, I think that logically you knew you wanted to leave me, but your heart was still in it. I still had your heart. I had to keep you from your family, friends, eventually, we would spend the whole day in bed together – not even working, and you didn’t even seem to care. It was really sweet how you stopped taking care of your self, how your health suffered, how you got rid of that damn relationship so I could share your bed with you - how the only thing you even cared about by that point was me. Wasn’t it fun?! Just you and me. I know, I know, I drove you crazy on occasion, and there were times you didn’t want me around, but, somehow, I was always able to find just the right time to call you and find you in the mood to spend time together.
And I thought we would spend the rest of your life with me. Just us, alone. I thought you said we didn’t need anyone. When you were lonely, I was there, when you were sad, I was there, when you were happy, I celebrated with you, when you were mad, I calmed you down, and you may think that together we made a mess of things, but c’mon, you loved me. Didn’t you?
I know we haven’t been together for a while. I’m trying to find you, looking everywhere we used to be together and when I find you what are you going to have to say to me? We should hang out again soon. I can hardly remember you.
Its been 100 days to be exact, and please don’t call me "friend" ever again. The cozy nights we spent together, unfortunately, aren’t ages ago, they are merely months ago - but I hope someday they will be ages in my past. What’s becoming of our relationship you ask? Hmmm, to put it simply, I am leaving you.
Yes, you were there to help me through my first real heart break, but you forgot to mention, you caused it! My parents weren’t ‘kinda’ mad at me that summer, they felt the need to abandon me, and I will never forgive you for forcing me to put them in that situation. The ‘friends’ we had weren’t friends, they were people that you managed to convince the same lies that you convinced me. We all believed it together. I didn’t love you, but I did depend on you.
You know, I had a really nice life when I moved away. It could have been the beginning of a really great life for me. I didn’t call you, you called me. I can’t believe I took the call. But, I suppose you caught me at a low point – at a vulnerable point. Good timing. You always have really good timing, I'll give you that. But, I can guarantee you, my vulnerability to your charms is slowing going away. I’m beginning to see how you really treated me, that you used me. I am beginning to see that I am not vulnerable to you – and that makes YOU vulnerable to me. I didn’t love you, you just caught me at time when I needed some comfort.
It was pretty clever how you stepped back when I first met someone. It was great that you gave me time to really invest in a relationship. I remember that at first you would only to come to visit for short times. And when I was told that that your visits had to stop, you seemed to show up even more. Yes, that person did manage to rescue me from spending eternity with you, and thank God for that. You told me that I needed to end things with them, but I think they really ended it with us.
I almost died that night in November because I thought I loved you. My mom and sister still break down and nearly cry at the trauma of watching me slip away as I succumbed to you that night in the hospital. Together, you and I would have taken someone very important to many people - we hurt people together. But never again. The person that we almost murdered that night is still alive, and is waking up from the haze; Growing stronger, growing better, and that person is gonna come kick your ass. You didn’t get me that night and I have to thank other people for knowing better than to leave us alone.
You promised me that if I stayed with you, we would have a good life together, but it was all lies. When I was lonely, you didn’t keep me company – you kept me lonely. When I was sad, you didn’t give me joy, you made more sad. When I was happy, you celebrated with me but the celebration was always forgotten by the humiliating consequences. You just couldn’t let me enjoy myself could you? When I was mad, you convinced me you could calm me down, but you didn’t – you just gave me time to get madder or the bravado to say hurtful things. Together, we made a mess of things, that’s about all you got right on your letter.
I know you’re going to come looking for me, but I am going to hopefully be able to ignore you these days. See, all those years weren’t years of happiness with a trusted friend, they were really hard and really lonely years. They were years of missed opportunities and years of embarassment, of humiliating things I said or did because I thought I loved you. You aren’t good company – in fact as far as friends go, you’re about the worst companion a guy could have.
See, now I remember that I love myself, and I find real things that make me happy. More than that, I have joy to fill me in the vacuums we created, the places that you tried to keep me empty. You gave me confidence, but I look back at how foolish I must have seemed to people. You nearly succeeded at making me a different person, but I’ll tell you, you’re failing now.
My spirit is winning me again, I am a new creation, I am becoming the man, alone, I could never be with you.
I am learning how to handle situations without you. I am seeing all the lies you told me. I have pictures in my head of times we spent together, I have real photos of how I looked with you by my side. Those were ugly days, those were ugly pictures. I hurt people because of you, I lost people because of you, I nearly killed myself and my spirit; and for what? You didn’t give me anything! I supported you and all you did was hurt me. Really uncool. I did not get any benefit from knowing you. You have plenty of other friends, so please, just turn around and leave me alone.
If you do come looking for me, I am going to try hard to remember what my life was like when I thought I loved you. You may hardly remember me, but, I on the other hand, remember you all too well.
And….. It’s over.