Wednesday, September 30, 2009

An Ogre and his sweet tarts

This is hardly going to be one of the blog entries that may resonate with you for some time – in fact, if there is going to be a blog that you intend to just skip, this one would probably be it. You see, I am not feeling well at all – and I am a little irritable – so irritable in fact that the guys in my dorm have completely given up on speaking to me and instead bring me apples from our orchard, fruit juice and the day before yesterday, they left a bag of sweet tarts and a Carl’s Junior cheesecake outside my door.

This reminds me of those movies where people leave gifts for the Ogre so they can cross the bridge. I have to tell you, it makes me feel a lot better just knowing that they care. But I can be a real pain in the ass when I’m not feeling well, so ultimately they benefit as well – and I have to think that may be much of the reason for their ‘generosity’.

I have still managed to head out and do my bike rides each day – 12-17 miles a day. This is my meditation time – the time alone that I spend, just me and God. Say what you will, but the idea of conquering an addiction without the surrender to a higher power is pretty rough – so whatever yours is, its nice to have a couple moments, each day, to spend with ‘Him’.

This is not a new concept to someone in the throngs of an addiction, surrendering to something else is pretty common in the mind of someone who develops a serious addiction to anything. By definition, this is addiction – surrendering.

So, things seem like they’re going well – I am about to phase in a few weeks; get a job, start working on the rest of my life. My program is going well, I haven’t had any significant cravings or any thoughts of relapse. I have been staying busy, I have a lot of really good friends, love working with the horses. Life seems drama free, right? But being sick this week, one thing I’ve realized is that, damn, I’m alone, and I’m pretty lonely.

I suppose it takes a real miserable Ogre to be surrounded by so many people, so much good opportunity, and still feel like the unknown in a small crowd of one.

This could be the meat of why I tended to seek comfort in the embrace of a bottle of gin. The bottle is always available, and its pretty consistent. There is the glossy endorphine release that I experienced in the early detoxification period – those earlier blogs about how good I feel, how I’ve noticed all the small little things that I had forgotten about, the connectedness of nature, and the parallels of my life etc.

I still notice those things, I notice all the connectedness, but sometimes that harmony of senses I heard before sounds like a clitter clatter of distraction on occasion; but the reality of life is beginning to occupy the fairy tale I’ve lived up to this point on this ranch, and I have to somehow digest the loneliness and reconcile it. A couple months ago I thought that the ability to out-run boredom, and loneliness was to be my method; then I believed it was to occupy my time to avoid it; and now I realize its gonna be around and I am just going to have to live through it, like a normal person. I'm surrendering to boredom, lonleiness, the tedious, surrender to my new normal, the normal that everyone else is required to surrender to and I somehow thought I could avoid.
I can't hide under that bridge like that Ogre, I have to come out of it and face it. But the one good thing is, I don't feel like having a drink. Not even a little bit.

I’ll think about this on my bike ride and enjoy those sweet tarts.
I'll write more on the wrap up of my Addictions 1 class in the next blog - And explain the Addictions 2 module to you. Even though I am making my way through the program, I still am only half way finished.

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